


we bide our time, stay afloat

by paranomastic



Category: Oxenfree (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 21:28:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21416941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranomastic/pseuds/paranomastic
Summary: It's been a while (well, a few months) since the island, but Clarissa is acting weird again. Just in different ways? Everything is very confusing, Alex is very confused.
Relationships: Alex/Clarissa (Oxenfree)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 48





	we bide our time, stay afloat

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning it's like 3k words before they actually bang....... I got lost in the teen angst weeds but I'm not gonna apologize for my art. It has also been, fair warning, a Long Time since I've written smut.
> 
> Also uhhhh title is from Keep You On My Side by CHVRCHES, for convenience's sake.

The first time they almost do it, they’re in Clarissa’s bedroom and it’s late, four hours into a party Alex still felt like she was pity-invited to until she ended up against the wall kissing Clarissa - well, it’s mostly Clarissa kissing _her_, if she’s being honest, tasting a little like smoke and a lot like whiskey (and it’s definitely not pity-_kissing_) - and the shock of realizing this is what she actually wants keeps her there at first. What gets them to the bedroom is just, you know, being eighteen and being possessed of associated bedroom-directed feelings. Those feelings do, of course, negate Edwards-Island-Incident feelings, though in this case there are a bunch of other feelings involved. A few of them had just been very loudly discussed.

The bedroom is - well, it’s not Alex’s first time in Clarissa’s room, but the best word is cozy. The second-best word is probably way-better-kept-up-than-hers, but she’s never really been the type to care about that? But it does come to her slightly intoxicated mind looking at the framed posters and actual decorative throw pillows. Throw pillows she suddenly finds supporting her head as she lies back on the bed. _Okay, this is happening. This is a thing. Hell yeah, actually?_

Alex quickly runs down the admittedly brief list of things she has gleaned about having sex with another girl from… anywhere, really.

1! “It’s like masturbating, but you’re doing it to someone else!” - someone, at some point? It’s functional and not as helpful as it really could be, but you know what? At least it’s something! Alex is currently tipsy and over a year out of practice on the self-love front, but Clarissa seems to be taking the lead anyway.  
2! “Soft mood lighting.” Okay, so that’s maybe less advice she’s gotten and maybe more the few lesbian sex scenes that have showed up in the indie movies and dumb teen dramas she’s seen? But it sure makes it look fun!  
3…! nope, those are about it, she’s actually woefully underprepared for this aspect of her sexuality! Oh no! This is terrifying!

In the course of these thoughts, though, she fails to notice that Clarissa hasn’t actually joined her on the bed? Which is one hell of a change of pace from the activity so far in here, as Alex’s rumpled shirt and newfound lack of a ponytail can attest, so it takes her a moment to refocus and figure out what to do.

Clarissa is standing at the end of the bed, just looking at her? And she’s - those are tears in her eyes, aren’t they?

“Clarissa?”

No response. Alex pushes herself back up to her knees and scoots over to the edge of the bed.

“Hey, if you don’t want-”

“Just… sorry, just go back to the party.”

“Clarissa, I-”

“Look, just go, okay? This is a me problem, you’re fine. Sorry.”

“Do you wanna talk, or-?”

“That is the absolute last thing I want right now, just please. Sorry for… whatever the girl version of blue-balling you is, but I super can’t do this right now. It’s me, I’m the fuckup, now go, okay?”

Alex takes her leave, slipping out of the room into the hallway where she can suddenly hear the music again, very loudly, and takes a moment to make herself un-disheveled (sheveled? Is that a thing?) - oh, god, her ponytail is absolutely gone and not coming back, the hair tie has vanished into the sea of the party somewhere - and, well. She suddenly feels very acutely sober and very acutely stupid for whatever the hell just happened.

Clarissa and Alex don’t talk for two weeks, after. It completely blows.

The second time Clarissa and Alex almost do it, they’re in the car outside Alex’s house and Alex takes the lead, pushing across the gap and pressing her lips to Clarissa’s. There’s some significant adjustment involved in making it work, but the car is old enough that there’s barely any center console to navigate, so between that and shifting the seat back, it goes okay.

Well, “almost” might be an understatement - they round second base pretty effectively, but around the shortstop in the metaphor of making out, Clarissa stops short, hand paused awkwardly and trembling slightly under Alex’s tee.

This time, Alex lets herself be a little less unquestioning about it, in the sense that she does actually question it.

“Clarissa, what’s the deal here?”

“Alex, I-”

“C’mon,” Alex’s voice hasn’t hit anger, but it doesn’t take a genius to tell it’s at annoyance levels, “If you want to go out first, or just like… _not_ have sex, I’m cool with that, but these signals are making this already super weird thing way weirder.”

Clarissa is quiet for a couple long moments. “Frozen yogurt’s still open.” She suggests, but her heart’s not even in the suggestion enough to swing her voice up into a question mark.

Alex breathes a little frustrated sigh. “I can’t tonight. But you’re… are you actually serious about this?” The additional “about me” is implied, she hopes, and Clarissa’s reply does seem to indicate she’s picked up on it.

“You kicked like a hundred ghosts out of me, Alex, a move I apparently cannot help but find unspeakably attractive.” Clarissa sighs, a strange look crossing her face, “But I’m having some trouble thinking straight here, and I want to see if there’s actual feelings there or if I want to just bone down and go back to being... whatever we are right now. So, uh… are you free Saturday?”

Alex realizes she hasn’t actually seen Clarissa like this before, unsure and looking away. The only other people who have, she imagines, are Nona and… oh, bad path, not going down that one, this is already predicated entirely on not thinking about that part.

“Alex? You good?”

Oh sweet petunia she’s just kind of staring. “Yes! I’m free to b- _hang_ on Saturday. Aye-aye, cap’n. Yes.”

Clarissa rolls her eyes, “At ease, sailor. Just… come over to my house, let me rock your world real quick, and then we can uh. Talk shop, emotionally.”

“Rrrrrright. Is there, uh, anything I should bring? Snacks? Whipped cream? Con… doms?” Yep, Alex’s ability to talk a game of any size approaching Big is completely gone, this is a situation completely out of her depth. But man if it isn’t a situation she really wants? Casually hooking up with Clarissa, and then… having some kind of emotional talk afterwards. That’s the order these things go in, sure, why not? Adulthood!

Clarissa, in a moment of almost divine kindness, doesn’t laugh. “A change of clothes in case you sleep over? Unless you wanna do some walk of shame stuff after.”

“Are we… gonna go for that long?”

“If we do it right.” Clarissa smirks for the exact extent of that statement, then lets out a sigh. “I’m also making room for ‘be an emotional wreck’ time in there, just in case.”

“You have to tell me what’s actually wrong if you do, though.” Alex insists, “I may be new to hookup law, but I’m… setting that house rule.”

“If I cannot get my emotional hang-ups in check despite being an expert at exactly that,” Clarissa assures her, “I will tell you what is up in excruciating detail. Now get out of here and… say hi to Jonas for me? You know, something normal.”

“Right. Uh… pet the crap out of Charlie for me?”

“After doing this twice? You don’t even have to ask.”

The third time they do actually manage it, but it almost goes into a fourth. Saturday arrives in the way Saturdays tend to, and after a lot of thought on whether or not you’re supposed to show up Fashionably Late to hook-ups, Alex errs on the side of caution and accidentally shows up an hour early because she misread the bus schedule.

“Eager, huh?” Clarissa asks when she answers the door.

“The bus sure was! I’m… normal, cool person excited.” Alex pulls her jacket tight around her shoulders, “I would’ve waited around out here for half an hour like a totally non-creepy cool person, but unfortunately it’s Oregon out here. And so.”

“And so.” Clarissa agrees, opening the door wider.

And so, the deeply awkward normal portion of the encounter proceeded. Pleasantries were exchanged, Alex drank a glass of water in about two gulps, a dog was spoiled for five to ten minutes… standard human interaction! “Way to go, Alex,” Alex said to herself quietly in the bathroom at one point. It’s all very normal.

Eventually, Clarissa clears her throat, “So, as much fun as Charlie’s having…”

“Right!” Alex half-yelps, startling Charlie but not enough to make him do something stupid like stop rolling around on his back, “Right. Sex.”

“Yeah, that thing.” Clarissa tosses a dog toy out into the living room, and Charlie takes off like a shot after it, “I assume you remember where my room is? It’s where I deeply embarrassed myself like two and a half weeks ago? Or we can get down to business in the kitchen, I don’t know your style, but I should probably let Charlie out first.”

Alex feels heat rise in her cheeks, “No, I… bed. I like bed.”

“Well, can’t argue with that.” Clarissa pauses, and it takes until a millisecond before the end of that pause for Alex to realize why it’s there, “I can’t exactly carry you, though, so…”

“Oh!” Alex laughs in what she hopes is a charming way, but she knows it probably misses the mark, “Guess I’ll just, uh, scamper on up there, then.”

“If you say scamper again tonight I reserve the right to kick you out of my house.”

And samper Alex does, all the way up to Clarissa’s room. And then into Clarissa’s room, which looks a little less imposing with some actual daylight coming in.

“Relax.”

“I’m relaxed! I’m very relaxed!” Alex insists, head only barely turning on her stiff neck to look at Clarissa over her very stiff shoulders.

The door shut with a soft click. “If _you_ don’t want to do this, we don’t have to, you know.”

“No, it’s…” Alex sighs, “I want to do this, but we’re also really going to have to do a lot of talking after.”

“Have you ever actually…?”

“Nope! I have made out with you two more times than I have ever made out with anyone else! But this feels… I don’t know. Right? Not to be gross about it.”

Clarissa smiles gently at her, and something about the smile flips Alex’s stomach at least 90 degrees, “Well, it’s not exactly _my_ first time, but I’ll keep that in mind. You want some music?”

“Oh, uh… yeah, that sounds nice.”

The music isn’t as obscure or weird as what Alex usually goes for, but all the same it feels right for whatever’s about to happen. It’s also, thankfully, not actually music about sex. Alex actually isn’t sure what she would have done if the music had called attention to that. Criticizing it also probably, she thinks, wouldn’t be great for whatever this weird fragile thing they’re doing is.

“More comfortable now?” Clarissa asks.

Alex turns her whole much-less-stiff self to face the other girl and nods, “Yeah, I… think so.”

Clarissa doesn’t verbally respond at first, but it would have lessened the effect, Alex thinks after, if she had. Instead, she strides across the room from her position at the stereo until she’s almost effortlessly inches away from Alex, arm around her waist, just under the jacket.

“Uh. Hey.”

“Hello, Alex.”

“Please kiss me before I say something stupid.”

“Way ahead of you.”

The kiss is great, as kisses go, and Alex thinks for a bit that it’s actually happening! They’re going to do it! But unfortunately, the kiss just kind of… hangs there, not progressing into anything.

Alex breaks it off, taking a step back. “Okay, look. Clarissa, I don’t know what’s-”

“Alex, I-”

“Nope! Alex’s turn to talk! I didn’t come here to get… you know, jerked around! I had to give myself a whole pep speech before I left! I’m trying to trust you here, and if I’m going to do that, you have to… you have to level with me. I’m new to this, but I’m not, like, a kid.”

Clarissa steps back, hand rising to rub at her temples, “You’re right, it’s just-”

“Nope! No more excuses! I _cannot_ do this if you’re going to dodge the question!”

Clarissa’s lips and fists press together tight.

“So ‘It’s just…’ _what_, Clarissa?”

“What am I supposed to do, just take his jacket off of you and pretend it isn’t weird?” Clarissa’s fists unclenched, hands moving to cross her arms and grab at her shoulders, “And how do I bring it up in a way that’s normal, like, _at all_, without sounding like some… I don’t know, emotionally constipated asshole? Which I am, but like-”

“Clarissa-”

“So I just kind of stand around and hope you take it off on your own! When you have no reason to, and I know why it’s there, and it’s helping you, but… every time I look at it I have to listen to the little voice at the back of my head tell me I only want to be with you because-”

“CLARISSA!”

That, at least, stuns her into giving Alex an opening.

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Do you only want to be with me because-”

“No! God, no! Or at least I’m trying to tell myself that every time I look at you!” Clarissa’s hands come back down to her sides, slack now. “I spent the year before Edwards Island just in a haze trying to give everyone else room to ditch me. Ren should leave, I’m a shity friend. Nona should leave, being close to me isn’t worth it. Alex should leave, Alex should fucking _hate me_, if I keep bringing shit up then maybe she’ll realize… but then none of you did. So ever since then, none of my emotions have had any idea what to do.”

Alex pauses, biting hard at her lip. “Look, Clarissa, we don’t… need to have sex if you want me to stick around.”

“That’s not-” Clarissa sighed, “For the first time since him, I… actually want to do this with someone. But this isn’t… maybe this is just me trying to deal with my weird shit.”

“After we have sex, do you want to go for frozen yogurt?”

“Huh?”

Alex smiles, “I mean we’re basically doing a date backwards, right? So… if we go for frozen yogurt, then get dinner somewhere, then nothing about this is weird at all.”

“I feel like you missed the point somewhere in there, but-”

“Nope.” Alex shakes her head, “If it’ll help you sort through stuff, I… want to be there for you. You can’t get rid of me, if we’re at the end then the whole date already happened, and we already took a bunch of time to talk through this stuff.”

She takes a step back and very carefully slides the jacket off. “I’ve got weird shit going on too. But maybe… we can talk about that later. Like we’ve needed to talk about it for a while, probably.”

“Alex…”

She’s folding the jacket up now, placing it on a trunk off near the door. “I can ditch the jacket for a second. Let’s just… be us for right now, I guess? Oh, I am still not good at talking, I’ve done all my smart talking for the day. I just think maybe what we both actually wanted was not to deal with feelings for a little while, and that honestly sounds great.”

“Well,” Clarissa says, wiping below one eye, “I can keep you from having to talk for a little while.”

“Please, while I still sound kinda cool.”

Clarissa walks over and kisses Alex, almost immediately starting to work off her shirt. It takes a moment for Alex to respond, still recovering from the whole… well, everything so far, but she figures out after a moment that she should probably raise her arms up so that her shirt can actually come off. And just like that, her shirt is off, which is a unique and strange feeling in a room with someone else, but she’s into it. She’s into Clarissa, simple as that. Okay, as deeply complex and weird as that, but the whole point here is to avoid the complex weird feelings, so this is the last time she plans to let them come up.

“Should I… take your stuff off too?” Alex asks before Clarissa can get swept back up in the swing of things.

Clarissa blinks, apparently not having considered any kind of reciprocation. “I… guess so? If you want?”

“Do you… want?” Alex bites her lip for a moment, “I mean you’re going first, I get that, but I do wanna like… try stuff too, maybe?”

“That’s… fair.” She steps back, looking down at her outfit. “Go nuts on my shirt, I guess. Just don’t tear it or anything.”

“My arms are noodles, Clarissa, you have nothing to worry about.” Okay, so removing clothes. Alex stepped forward, suddenly going over how she actually takes her own shirt off over and over in her head. Arms straight or crossed? Wait, how does that translate into taking someone else’s shirt off? No, no, she could just do this.

And do it she did! With help from Clarissa, but that’s generally how all of this is going to go, she figures. And just like that they’re both standing there shirtless, and it’s way more shocking that Alex thinks it probably ought to be that Clarissa doesn’t actually… have a bra on underneath? So suddenly Clarissa is uh. Ahead, in terms of missing clothes? This is a weird way to think about this, but also Clarissa’s breasts are really nice, and that’s honestly taking up her processing power right now.

“Oh, uh… yeah, you showed up early. I didn’t get to change.”

Alex shakes her head, “It’s, uh. It’s all good, don’t worry.” A pause. “Wait. I was staring. Sorry.”

“Alex, we’re about to have sex.” Clarissa smirks, stepping a pace closer. “You are allowed to stare at me.”

“Right! Right.” Alex smiles as confidently as she _can_, given the circumstances, “Your chest is very nice.”

Clarissa rolls her eyes, “Be still my heart.” 

And just like that, she catches Alex’s lips on her own again, reaching back to work on undoing Alex’s bra. And Alex swears that it’s exactly as she is somehow pushed to the bed while her bra goes the exact opposite direction that the stereo decides to start playing something by CHVRCHES, so she guesses this is what she’s losing her virginity to. There are worse options! Way worse.

“How did you do that?” 

“Do what?”

“The whole thing you just did!”

“Oh.” Clarissa climbs onto the bed, straddling Alex as she sits on the edge. “Practice, mostly.”

“With who?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” She laughs a little, “Anyway, I’m just glad I’ve still got it.”

“You have apparently literally always had it, whatever ‘it’ is.”

“Shut up.” And just like that Clarissa is kissing her again, and Alex shifts back to give her more room to work as she unbuttons still slightly drizzle-damp jeans. All this warmth is actually really nice after the very Pacific Northwest weather they’re having outside! That’s Alex’s last distracting thought as Clarissa starts to pull down her jeans and underwear all at once, and her brain has no choice but to properly catch up to exactly what’s happening, because she is _very_ naked.

“So. So, uh, this is… really happening.”

“Is that a ‘stop?’”

“No way. Just don’t, you know… break out the whips and chains here or anything.”

“I’ll be gentle,” Clarissa lays a fleeting kiss against Alex’s forehead, “I promise.”

Then Clarissa’s head starts to venture lower, kissing at Alex’s neck and then… oh, _really_ kissing at the base of her neck, until it actually kind of stings a little, but in a good way?

“Sorry, but gentle here _does_ mean you escape with only one hickey.”

Alex closes her eyes and sighs, “Well, I’ve already just learned what hickeys actually are, so. This is going great so far.”

“What did you think-”

“Not important!”

Clarissa grants her some measure of mercy and resumes kissing, going even lower until she reaches Alex’s breasts. And then her mouth - oh. Oh, that feels really nice, actually. Wow. Alex tries to say something to the effect of “Goodness, dearest Clarissa, the thing you’re doing with your tongue on my right nipple is remarkable!” but mostly manages pleased noises. Clarissa doesn’t really reply, but that’s to be expected, considering how her mouth - and now her hand on the other one, wow - is otherwise occupied.

Eventually, though, Clarissa does move her mouth away, and for a moment, Alex takes a breath. It’s only when she looks down that she sees Clarissa’s head settling between her legs.

“Ready?”

She nods, and Clarissa moves to gently slide her tongue slowly up Alex’s folds. But just as she reaches the top:

“Hey, this is Rivers Cuomo from Weezer, and you’re listening to Pandora…”

Clarissa sputters, pulling away to laugh as Alex gets so deeply startled that she coughs.

“That _happens?_” Alex asks, looking down at Clarissa who is now just laughing. It’s… actually nice to see. She imagines Clarissa doesn’t get to laugh much.

“Fuck, shows me for not shelling out for premium. Oh my _god_.” She continues to laugh, resting her forehead against Alex’s thigh.

“We spent too long talking about feelings, and now Rivers is here to make sure we pay the price.”

Clarissa is managing to calm the laughter now, or at least she does for a moment. But the ad isn’t over, which means that Rivers Cuomo pipes back up, and the laughter starts anew, “I don’t- I don’t know if we can come back from this.”

“We _cannot_ let Weezer win, Clarissa.” Alex replies, placing a hand on her shoulder, “We have to stay strong.”

The ad ends and Clarissa’s laughter subsides to half-giggles. “You’re right, you’re right. Alright, I’m gonna… nope, I don’t have any Weezer jokes for this, I’m just going to keep at it down here.”

Alex has enough time to register as the commercial ends that, actually, she’s technically losing her virginity to _Paramore_ now before Clarissa picks up where she left off, and that’s instantly all she can really think about. Clarissa absolutely does know what she’s doing down there, and it’s not even halfway through the track when Alex wraps her legs around her shoulders, hands gripping at the sheets.

Another two, three tracks later - Alex is actually having trouble keeping count for once, on account of being in the middle of being eaten out - there’s a rush that builds up inside her and with one final few gasping breaths and jerks of her hips it’s over, leaving a light buzz all along her spine and down her limbs. Clarissa pulls back, kissing gently at Alex’s inner thigh.

“If you want to say ‘technically you owe me for two times we didn’t do this,’ this is your chance.” Clarissa points out.

Alex shakes her head, “No, I… I think raincheck. Gonna take a raincheck on that.” She pauses. “If you want to do this again, that is.”

“You know what? I do.” Clarissa lets out a long exhale, “But for now, we _do_ both keep mentioning frozen yogurt. And talking about how messed up some things are.”

Alex looks out the window and sees that the drizzle has developed into full rain. Which isn’t unusual, but…

“Yeah, I could go for that.”


End file.
